you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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