New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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