Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Holy shit dude........stairs
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