tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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