i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
