...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
