mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....