I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.