I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
