I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
