i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
