Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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