Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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