I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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