my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
