So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
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After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
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Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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