dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
