$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
