we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
