do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
