In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
They took my balls.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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