Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
