What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
