What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
