I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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