I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
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It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
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Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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