Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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