It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
