Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
