Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
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Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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