also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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