I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Someone signed my nipple.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
