I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
God I need to hump something, right now.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
