I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
