Please, let me fuck your mom
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
it glows. i had to have it.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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