a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
