I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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