Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
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I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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