why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
