There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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