a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
