Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
