OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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