margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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