Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
