i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
