Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
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She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
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I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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