i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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