I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
