I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
