When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
