i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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