Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
