She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
