i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
