I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
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Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
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They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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