I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
