Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
