This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
